i'm kinda stuck in a blurry road. i don't know in which direction to go. my mind tells me something and my heart tells me the opposite. sometimes i think of what i can be, and it's wonderful. the only thing missing is the will and confidence to make it happen. i'm in school right now and i know it's not for me. i mean college sounded like fun on paper, but it's been nothing but a bore for the past 2 years. i'm going to be 19 years old in may and i'm still debating on my future, when i've known all along what i should do. it's just so hard to just give up security for something uncertain. that huge risk scares me so much that i can't sleep at night anymore. these past couple of weeks haven't been very good. i've lost motivation for almost everything, because there's something missing in my life, but i'm not sure what exactly. it's like my heart is beating, but isn't feeling. like my mind is working but isn't thinking like it should. i try to convince myself to do things but i end up contradicting myself, and failing once again. i just want to be happpy. live a happy life. i don't care about money. i just want to wake up every morning and have a smile on my face. everyday i fight for other people's happiness but i never stop and see if i'm happy. i just want people to feel good. is that wrong? i need a sign, a motivator, something to help me, because i'm afraid i can't do this on my own, because i'm scared. i'm scared that people are so miserable that they won't like me. that i get laughed at, and humiliated. the thing is, i've never had any problems with anyone. all my life people have been very nice and fun around me, but at the same time, they never knew the real me. they never knew what i really loved, what really passionates me, what makes me feel alive, because i was too ashamed to say it. to scream it out to the whole world. afraid because i thought i wasn't good enough and that i didn't deserve that kind of attention my dream would bring me. i now vow to try harder. try harder to accomplish what was once unaccomplishable. to make myself happy, because it's simply the only way.
Monday night , at 8:54 p.m.
this is my promise