oh gosh.!

i need to change my life.

yeah well this might sound a little too dramatic, considering what you so far know about me, but i know i just have to. quite frankly i don't seize it as much as i should. that coming from someone who just watched to whole 5th and 6th seasons of Dawson's Creek in like a week. not only that but that last show really opened my eyes, even though it had been the 100th time i watched it, but their was something about this time that was different. the words sunk into me like no other times before and guilt tears were shed. why guilt? well very simple; i don't fight for what i want, ever. the only time i actually kind of did was that recent trip adventure to another country thing, which i thought did change my life, when really it has just blocked me from any new oppurtunities. ever since i came back from portugal i've been depressed and just going about and trying to hard to make things happen. i go all out to make others happy when really, i'm just making myself miserable.
i do feel, however, that i have made the first step to change my life. i've switched programs in college. now i know that this may seem like nothing, but it'll make me consentrate on my education because that is what is most important at this stage of my life. because i want to do good for myself and be able to provide for myself and not depend on nothing else, for example, my parents. i want to make my dreams come true, whatever they are because quite frankly i don't even know what i want from life anymore. i thought i did but i have no clue whatsoever. i try to over dramatize things and then put the blame somewhere else, and i keep forgetting. i put others needs before mine and that has just been drowning me even deeper years after years. and love, well thats another delicate situation. i have not been found to be lucky in that department, in fact, i push people away. why? well because i just stayed blocked in front of a teen romance that went wrong, when really, i should of just moved foward. because the drama i got from that story gave me an excuse to be miserable and turn others down, because i was afraid. i was afraid of what it might bring to me. i was, and still am afraid to be happy.
all this because of dawson and his creek. great. i have become a sentimental drama queen.

No comments: