so basically ive been trying to get motivated in life
im getting a new job, well probably, the interview went pretty well.
i just need a massive change
have my mind completly set on my goals and what i want.
i just miss her a lot.
she was so special.
and now, i feel her so close to me. like shes right there with me, looking over me.
sometimes its like i can see her. its like a movie in my mind.

i have an event tonight! its the bal for the révélation thingy this summer. i think it could be fun. im kinda exited, but then again its hard to be. i feel like such an old lady. i went out till barely 1:00 AM last night and today i feel like i need a can to walk or something.

i dunno what it is, i feel like this shit keeps repeating itself. i guess that with changing jobs, my life will be different.

who knows.

ill post pictures of the bal soon enough :)

Gala Révélation - dreams can come true...

so like i mentionned breifly in my previous post..i participated in an audition earlier this year and got it. basically what is was, was an artistic camp, and we were putting together a mega show at the historical theatre st-denis in montreal for 2250 people! since we were a lot of participants, we were set up in different groups for different medleys. i was lucky enough to be put in MOTOWNNNNN :) i was so happy, cuz its basically the music i listen to the most.
anywho
it was an amazing experience! ill try and post my video on this site soon! ill see what i can do :)

the picture you see is during the general rehearsal at the st-denis! i really hated the clothes i was in. wasnt very advantagous..but i rlly didnt care, cuz i was makin it happeeennnnn .

In Loving Memory...

it has been a while since i posted anything, and that reason is not because nothing special or important happened, i was just to overwhelmed with emotion to face writting them down.

the summer started off quite well. i had an audition, which went quite well, and i had the best summer plans and vacation spots figured out with my friends, up until a huge bomb crashed on my world. My grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. it was literally the end of the world.

the funny part was , i did get my audition, and i would be part of motown medley on the stage of the sold out theatre st-denis. it was so fulfulling for me, i made a dream come true. i felt that i was finally climbing the ladder in a world where i always thought i had my place.

but before i could even take in the joy of this event, i was getting a couple-month notice of the death of my grandmother that i loved so much.

she didnt want to end her days in the hospital, so i decided i would take care of her at home, so she could live her life fully until her last moment. i was then in charge of giving her injections every night, and help her with everything around her house. most nights were cigarettes and home-made french fries, with laughter and happiness. we were both trying to hide our pain, and most importantly our tears. i didnt want to cry in front of my grandmother, i just wanted her to breath hapiness, and be at peace with what was happening.
i stayed with her for two months, and then we had to bring her to a hospital. she lasted almost a month there, and i went to see her every single day. she was the joy in my life. she was everything to me. we had become best friends over the summer.
she knew so much and taught me so much in such a short period of time.

she took her last breath staring into my eyes. her beautiful blue eyes shined bright...and then she was gone...

April 6th 1928- Septembre 25th 2009

Je t`aime mimi

Dreams really do come true

it rlly did happen. i sang on live television. and the picture you see is me with 3 other finalists. im the girl with the jean dress.
it was so much fun, i got to meet people that were so kind and funny and just great to be around!
it also made me realize that you have to go foward in life and never look back, just reach for your dreams and they shall come true! doesn't that sound simple ?

i should be posting the video shortly :)

truly touching

this video is just touching
i try not to cry everything
you could feel his pain and understand what he's going through
and the reason i'm showing this video is because this is the song that i will be singing on TV..i'm singing it my way so i think it'll be interesting..hopefully:)
meanwhile take a look at the original which nothing can beat
it simply timlessly touching

Total EXTASY!

alright so here it is...

you know the contest i was taking about in my last desperate post?
well awesomely enough..I GOT CHOSEN!
i will be participating in the live competition called "Jeunes Espoirs Enfants Soleil 2009" during the annual "Telethon Operation Enfant Soleil" on may 31st!
i'm kinda going crazy at this very moment. i got the news last monday and at first i wasn't exactly realizing that yeah! ..but today i got a little curious about the whole thing and decided to go check the location of the event, and that was a huge mistake on my part because that got me to shake and stutter and nothing was working for me. its HUGE. anywho
for now i'm just OH SO FREAKEN HAPPY

watch out for me on your TV screens y'all!

well. it has been quite a while since i've wrote anything on here. the reason for that is i'm just in a lazy, depressed faze right now. i dont know what my future will be. i don't know my duty on this planet. hopefully i will wake up and have a freaken turning point or something.

i recently sent a video of myself singing to a contest. and i'm really hoping that i get chosen, cuz that would just cheer me up a bunch. life would have a bit more sense. like their was hope or something. i'm just a complete bore right now. i don't go out, and if i do, i'm simply no fun at all and i look like a dead zombie on the dance floor, so imagine that!

my face looks like i just cried all the time. and to add to that ugliness, i recently burnt my face with acne cleanser. i was all swollen and when i smiled, i looked like a 50 yr old women who forgot to get her last dose of botox under her eyes.

i'm actually scared sometimes that i loose the love of life, like my aunt and uncle did. sometimes i do think of suicide, but in a weird way. like i don't try and figure out ways to kill myself, but i wonder how life would be without me, and quite frankly, in some scenarios, its much better than right now. i just need some sort of sign. something, to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

at least its spring time, where everything revives, hopefully i will too.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

-he's just not that into you

alright so we got this huge bomb that Guy Carbonneau got fired. Ya. well. that was really shocking and to be totally honest i wasn't expecting it at all, especially from Mr. Gainey. anywho, Carbo has done a lot for this team and i just hope he isn't forgotten. it is sad that it is yet another coach who has to cope with the whole team's downhill sloping.

so the habs won, although i can't lie and say that i watched the game and every second of it, because i was switching to american idol alot. but overall it was a very exiting game, but at some point i felt that the team slacked on the effort, especially in the second period. in the first period they were on fire, i thought they did very well. good thing they came back strong and won those two very important points.

so ya i'm a happy camper : )

oh and also

one last thing

i'm SO happy Carey is finally getting his magic back ( not that he ever lost it) i'm just really exited about it..because..ya...you know why

good night

alright, so i'm sorry that it's been a while since my last post, but i've been pretty busy. most of the time i try and concentrate on my homework and go about of things, but other times i just sit there and thing, mostly because it gets me aways from the school task that awaits me.

on a good note, i have some sort of rendez-vous/interview with the school of show business thats situated in montreal. it would be pretty nice if that would work out. lets just wait and see.

the other reason why i didn't write anything for a while was because i was majorly afraid of the obvious. it was my ex boyfriends birthday on march 2 nd, and that day just gets me depressed. depressed to the point where my bed is where i spend my whole day. but surprisingly enough, i didn't shed a single shivering tear, which is really awesome really. because i did kinda realize that i've been over him for so long. i don't need him in my life, it's just that no one else has come along thats worth while. i havn't been swept off my feet. like never. which is kinda sad in a way, but hopefully that means that when i will, i'll fall hard, but whatever. it'll come when it's supposed to. i won't go out and chase it.

alright so on a kinda brighter note....

the habs. they do suck, and you might ask yourself why i put up the very bright and colorful habs banner. welll the reason is as simple as this....Carey Price. Halak was probably playing the best hockey of his life, which left price in the shadow and darkness. i'm so happy ( even though that sounds really mean and bad ) that Jaroslav got a virus and that Carey could prove himself as the great player he can be.

the 1st game wasn't so great. he gave 5 goals and you could see that he wasn't totally in focus, probably very very nervous.

the 2nd game was amazing, on his part. the team played like crap literally and if Carey wouldn't of been there, well we probably would've lost 4 or 5 nothing.

i dunno i'm starting to think that the problem might be the coaching and directing staff, but that would be exagerate of me. i don't know what really goes on behind closed doors, so i should have nothing to say on this, but when i coach looks up and tells the media that he's done everything he possibly can and doesn't know what to do anymore, well that's kinda weird. i mean if anyone would tell their boss " hey man i'm sorry i really don't know what do to anymore...i mean...i've done everything i can..."...well the very normal response would be.." alright nice knowing ya..your fired"...

so weird

but so fun

Carey's back :)

Mistake

oh gosh. i made a mistake. i really huge one. and i want to say i'm sorry. because i'm sick of making those stupid mistakes. i'm sick of always making excuses for myself. i'm done. i just hope i have just that one last chance to prove myself. please please please. i will change. for the better. i want to succeed. i just need that last chance.

i've been slacking off school lately, but slowly but surely, i'm getting myself back on track. there's been a lot of things that have been stressing me out. work especially. the bosses just treat me and expect of me like the store belonged to me. they want me to say everything that i know all the freaken time and i'm sick of it. i'm a part time worker for crying outloud. the worst part is they expect me to almost leave school to go to work. i'm so dumb for following what they've been telling me. and they always get me by the sensitive strings. there was a case of harassment lately where my manager was really agressive with one of the other workers, which happens to be a very good friend of mine, but thats not it. he did do some things to me a year ago that i have not yet forgiven, and the bosses did nothing about it. my manager is an alcoholic, and even though he can be the nicest person on this planet, he has major issues. and at last years' christmas party, he got a little too drunk and started feeling me up and started to try and kiss me all the time, which he didnt succeed at, thank God.

i'll quit smoking

i'll exercise more

i'll live up to all my responsibilites

i need that one last chance.

please

i'm kinda stuck in a blurry road. i don't know in which direction to go. my mind tells me something and my heart tells me the opposite. sometimes i think of what i can be, and it's wonderful. the only thing missing is the will and confidence to make it happen. i'm in school right now and i know it's not for me. i mean college sounded like fun on paper, but it's been nothing but a bore for the past 2 years. i'm going to be 19 years old in may and i'm still debating on my future, when i've known all along what i should do. it's just so hard to just give up security for something uncertain. that huge risk scares me so much that i can't sleep at night anymore. these past couple of weeks haven't been very good. i've lost motivation for almost everything, because there's something missing in my life, but i'm not sure what exactly. it's like my heart is beating, but isn't feeling. like my mind is working but isn't thinking like it should. i try to convince myself to do things but i end up contradicting myself, and failing once again. i just want to be happpy. live a happy life. i don't care about money. i just want to wake up every morning and have a smile on my face. everyday i fight for other people's happiness but i never stop and see if i'm happy. i just want people to feel good. is that wrong? i need a sign, a motivator, something to help me, because i'm afraid i can't do this on my own, because i'm scared. i'm scared that people are so miserable that they won't like me. that i get laughed at, and humiliated. the thing is, i've never had any problems with anyone. all my life people have been very nice and fun around me, but at the same time, they never knew the real me. they never knew what i really loved, what really passionates me, what makes me feel alive, because i was too ashamed to say it. to scream it out to the whole world. afraid because i thought i wasn't good enough and that i didn't deserve that kind of attention my dream would bring me. i now vow to try harder. try harder to accomplish what was once unaccomplishable. to make myself happy, because it's simply the only way.

Monday night , at 8:54 p.m.

this is my promise

goodnight

i know that technically i shouldn't be putting up this sad, dark banner, but i'm really pissed off Carey isn't playing tomorrow. i know that he hasn't been to the best of his abilities lately but he's one of the team's best talent. we need him, just like we need Kovalev. alright maybe i'm getting ahead of myself because i just don't know him. i don't know how he acts off the ice, and how he is mentally and all that stuff. but i know that he's got it. he's got what it takes to bring us to the top.
i know i sound like some obsessed pathetic freak who daydreams about this guy, but no worries, i'm able to say when he fails.
i just hope that Carbo will give him another chance. he needs it and deserves it. for that to happen, he has to stop switching goalies all the freaken time. i mean, who is that good for the players' confidence????? how do you want Carey Price to regain his confidence to the maximum when he won't let him goal for at least 5 games straight.
so yeah,
that's all i have to say on this for now

Music. why music? because it helps me cope. it makes me cry, yet conforts me when i wanna die. death. that's what would happen without music. Music. the essence of life. Life. a melody that may be cut short, if you don't fullfill your destiny. Destiny. that's where you, and only you, can choose what you make of it.

music is my passion. singing makes me feel alive. i know i can make it if i work hard, but fear takes me over, so fast that just the thought gives me shivers. but i know thats what i've got to do to be happy, because i know that i'll just be miserable. forever. i need to motivate myself and convince myself that i can make it. i lack of confidence and i always have. it's always been a problem for me. i'm never satisfied with what i've done, and always wish i could just start over. but in life you only have one chance. one shot to accomplish what ever you want to accomplish, and i don't want to waste that chance. i don't want to wake up one morning and realize that i've wasted my life doing something that made me un-happy. i want to sing for a living. project my voice as far as i can.

i just want to feel good, for once.

Oh Carey!

alright so you know like almost everyone on this planet, i have facebook, and i thought i might look up carey price, just for fun, considering that their are like 100 accounts to his name, so most probably he doesn't own a FB account. the reason for all this curiosty is mainly because of the pictures that were supposidly "so controversial" were found on this privacy stealing site. unsurprisingly enough, i found the photos and i wasn't that shocked. i've had worst photos. to be totally honest he's just living the normal life of a guy his age. i mean the guy can't stop from living just because he plays for the montreal canadiens. that's ridiculous. the only thing that i was kind of surprised of was the fact that he's a smoker, not that i would have anything to say about that as being a smoker myself, but it was weird seeing a photo of him with 3 ciggs in his mouth, but then again, lots of ppl have been there done that.
so for sure this account is fake, so i'm definatly not going to get my hopes up. he's listed as in a complicated relationship with a french girl, which i believe is the one who invented this account. anywhoooo
even after these photos, my more-than-soft-spot for carey hasn't faded. i don't know the guy, and so far..i don't think that i will ever know him personnally. that's just technically impossible, unless i stalk him. but i'm not one of those crazy psychopaths lol. that's just sad. oh so sad.
anywho, i'm just a hockey fan seeking the next big game.

On a brighter note!...

so i couldn't watch the game this afternoon, because i was working, but WE WON! too bad Carey wasn't playing, but mr Kovalev sure made an impression. he was the first star of the game and scored one goal and had one assist. people were on their feet, and i believe was a smack in the face for Carbo and Gainey. i still believe that you can't bench your best player EVER. and Kovalev is our best asset. he does have his moments where he tries to play it "too cool" sometimes, but the main reason why we were number one in the eastern conference last year was because of him.
anywho
it was a relief to find out something positive came out of a day like today!

CHAOS

alright so today i was working, and to put you into context, i have a shitty job, but with some great people. the thing is that my eyes opened up today only to find out that these people aren't so amazing. i could write a novel about all the negative things that have happened at my PART TIME job, cuz i am a full time college student who does have better things to do than worry about cold cuts and bread, but my problem is i'm too nice and i try too hard to see the good in people and it ends up smacking me across the face.

this time it happened to a co-worker and a friend of mine, and it's pretty serious stuff, basically harassment. i was a victim of harassment also with the owner of the small grocery store i work at, and again, i didn't say a word. i was pretty dumb, but now it's over. i came to the conlusion that this is all over. i have to move on, and do what makes me happy, and not what makes others happy. i always go to work and have a smile on my face and do my job the best way possible. most of the time the owner comes to see me instead of the manager, which is quite unconfortable at times, and thats where it creates conflict.

anywho its such a complicated conflict that i don't even know where to start, but now i'm sure its ended, because i'm leaving, and i will not look back!

alright so i posted the dark version of the 100th season banner mainly because the past 24 hrs weren't so great for the oh-so-historically great team. I have to say that first and formost, i was a little dissapointed in Carey's performance last night, because i know he could've done much better and done that important save to make his team win, but at the same time, it's a team sport and he wasn't the only one on the ice.

so i thought the controversy was completly done with after the ridiculous party stories kind of came out, but no. once again the montreal canadiens lived up to their reputation and gave the media something better than sex; three players implicated with organized crime. now thats just great. how stupid and foolish can you be? apart from the fact that Sergei seems to be the most conceeded little freak ( i have a little problem with his attitude. alright i don't know him, but gosh does it show. the kid never minds his own business and takes stupid penalties on the ice just to prove himself. okay yeah, i know thats what hockey is about, but the guy kinda over does it anywho back to my point_) so the three players that are implicated are: Andrei and Sergei Kostityn and Roman Hamrlik. i was kinda surprised on the Roman part, even though he does look like a mafioso, but thats besides the point, he doesn't seem like the trouble maker type. anywho so now, Montreal Canadiens, are being called a zoo. now isn't that GREAT!

whatever, i still think that if we were winning more and would be constant, these stories wouldn't come out and the media would try and protect those stories, because were winning blah blah. it's kinda ridiculous. i kinda feel bad for the players, which to some may seem really weird and dumb, and it is, but c'mon, these guys are trying to do their jobs and have normal social lives like everyone else. their entitled to have pleasure. it's like any normal person. let's just say you had a bad week at work and you havn't been producing as much as you should, and your trying, or almost trying, but it's not working, well does your co-workers and supervisors check up on you on weekends to find out if your partying or having a good time? no their not because your entitled to your own personal life, and so they should be also. then you might say " well they earn millions ..blah blah blah" yeah maybe some do take it for granted but that doesn't mean they're not doing their job.

anywho

i just hope this media circus ends soon. because it's ruining some players focus. people should stop searching for the negative and encourage the postive.

another thing that happened before that whole organized crime story came out was that Alex Kovalev was being left behind to "rest" because he was "exhausted"....maybe that's true, and if it is , well i hope he's taken care of that, but c'mon. these guys live for training and being top shape all the time. unless his liver is overloader with boose and chicken wings, which i don't think it is, he can't be tierd.

maybe he is tierd but in another way. maybe he knew what was going on with his little team mates and was pissed over it.

what makes me really sad about this whole story is that the centennial year of the montreal canadiens was supposed to be historical, and a year that all habs fan will remember, and talk about to their grandchildren. maybe they will, but it'll be filled with negatives.

A Song That Got To Me

He heals me

Told him my biggest secret

And he told me four.

He smiled at me

and said that makes me love more

And then he made me laugh

And I knew it was a sign That he was a man,

That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day

I feel more and more of that way

He heals me

He knows the real me

And he accepts me,

he never hurts me

He heals me

He knows the real me

And he accepts me,

he never hurts me

He heals me,

He heals

me I can play him songs,

all through the night,

And he will listen to every line,

And even when I’m wrong,

he is still kind He chooses his words wisely

when he tells me I’m not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,

But he is also a beautiful friend

The moment that we met,

he made me smile.

He has so much compassion in his eyes

I have no idea,

how long he’ll be here

A season or a lifetime,

forever or a year

But for the first time in my life

I’m not worried about the future

Because we have such a wonderful time when we’re together

However things turn out,

it’s all right

Cause he’s already changed my life.

Failure

alright so yesturday i was all motivated to get my stuff back on track and do things right.

i really kinda failed at that today. i skipped 3 of the 5 classes i had, which is really really bad. i have to set a new goal, and really live up to it.

i'm just not motivated i guess. that's what i'm missing in my life. motivation. love. hapiness. things to look foward to. i need something new, something exiting in my life.

i'm just walking on a lonely, cold, rainy path by myself, with no one by my side, and with no one who is there to support me.

alright i'm getting a little over paranoid here, but the reality of this is; it's how i truly feel.

i miss love. i miss being loved, and everything that comes along with that emotion and passion.

i need to force myself to be motivated, whether it be by myself or with someone, i need to succeed!

with all this said

delete the negetive

increase the positive.